Rollin' on the Red In-line Marathon

     Well, Jules Had another adventure planned for me on Saturday, I got to hand out medals at the 2nd annual Rollin' on the Red In-line Marathon.  I was excited about this adventure, Jules talks about skating a lot so I wanted to see what this was like compared to the Roller derby.  The actual adventure started On Friday night.  We went to a place called the Canadinns for a skate and fitness expo.

again with the hanging me

   The Expo was great.  We got free water bottles from Altru, and wrote out cards saying what we would work on in to be healthier in the next year.  Then we made melt a bead projects, I think they were for kids but the nice ladies told us that they were for kids of all ages and let us do one.  We got our shirts for Saturday.  We also say these inline skates.  Wow, they are amazing.  Jules was awestruck by them.  She really wished she could try them.  You could see she was a little sad by this.  I know you all see her as happy go lucky, but she does get sad a lot about the things she isn't able to do anymore.  Finally, because we were volunteering we were treated to a delicious pasta buffet.  My belly was full, and to top it off they had slushies 

for dessert, Jules and my favorite.

I got to meet some of the race big wigs while I was at the expo

     On the way home from the race Jules and I talked about her skating days.  She talked about how she loved to skate.  She started skating basically as soon as she could walk.  She grew up in Minnesota so there was lots of pond hockey in the winter and rollerblading in the summer.   She not only loved to do it but used it as a method of transportation.  She loved to go on the half pipe and skate.  She worked at a roller rink for 3 years in college and said it was the best job ever.  She talks with such passion about it.  I ask her how it makes her feel to not skate.  She says the fact that she will never skate again is heart breaking.  Worse than the fact that she will never pee again.  that makes me feel sad so I change the subject, and tell her how great it is that she is walking better.  She says people do that to her all the time, they don't want to hear the negative.  I begin to think of her as a skater and I chuckle.  She is such an airhead ADD I don't imagine her ever being able to complete a marathon.  I tell her that and we laugh and she agrees.

     It is race day!!! It is 6:30 and the alarm is going off.  I am starting to think that my old assignment at grandma and grandpas house was a lot better gig.  We get in the car and off to the marathon we go. It is freezing cold out too.  When we arrived I couldn't believe  how many people were there.  Skaters and volunteers.   The skaters were lined up at the starting line and waiting for some lightning to pass.  and they had some crazy looking skates on.  There were men, women, and even kids with hockey helmets.  Jules didn't seemed fazed at all by this.  She said this is hockey town those kids will beat half the adults here.  There were over 250 skaters there.  They came from all over Minnesota, Canada, and even Kansas.  How awesome is that!!!  Then I looked up and who should I see???  Bettie and Hellga!!!  I was so excited to see them there.  Way to represent the forx roller derby!  ps. They did an awesome job!

how awesome are they???

Look at all those skaters

     After the we watched all the skaters take off and made sure to cheer on Bettie and Hellga, we had work to to do...but wait...who is that I see.  I see a man in a suit so I figure it is someone important.  Jules tells me it is mayor Mike Brown and Lt. governor Drew Wrigley.  Well of course I had to take a picture with them.  They were so nice to take a picture with us and so friendly, asking me all about my blog.  Mayor Brown even gave me a Grand Forks pin.  Unfortunately I can't vote, but if I could I would vote for them!!!

     Now back to work.  We had to get all the finisher medals and lay them out on the table so the would be ready for the racers when they came in.  This is the best volunteer job there is.  You get to congratulate every racer for the huge accomplishment that they just achieved.  

Here I am with all the medals

     The skaters started coming in ( I couldn't believe how fast they were) and I got to start handing out medals.  Well Jules handed out medals and I just watched and listened.  It was so cool to watch.  Everyone was smiling, even through exhaustion and pain.  Jules was smiling and seemed to have a glow about her as well, i was confused I thought she would be sad.  All the skaters were so grateful.  It seemed like every third one talked about how great the race was set up and how grateful they were to all the volunteers who were cheering them on.  They were saying it was so organized and they can't wait til next year. (me either...I hope I am still here).  I did such a good job I got a medal too.   266 medals later we were done.  

I did so good they let me have a medal too!!!

        We were done by 10:30am, enough time to go back to bed, before we went to visit with Al.  On the way home I asked Jules about that glow she had, and why she wasn't sad.  She told me that doing stuff like this helps her grieve what she can't do, but also shows her how she can still participate and have fun.  She said to see the look in the eyes of those skaters and still be able to relate helps her.  As much as she desires to skate again she must adjust to a life of not skating and what better way to do that than to help celebrate victory of other skaters...

     It was a great morning!!!  Thanks to Laura and her team for allowing me to participate.

I hope you enjoyed this blog...

Until the next adventure...stay safe, stay sane, and stay beautiful America!!!

Stripes 

Roller derby and a visit with Al

     I was so excited this morning.  Jules told me last night that I was going to my first every Roller derby bout.  So I got up early and stretched, ate a carb filled breakfast, and got my derby gear on was ready to go.  Much to my disappointment Jules said we weren't playing the roller derby game we were watching it.   So we packed up the car and off to Crookston we went!!!

Seriously hanging me from a sign is pretty scary and I did not find it necessary, but I am not the boss!!!

    

     The bout started and let me tell you I am very very very VERY glad that Jules did not let me play.  Those ladies are hard core.  The are fast and they are furious.  Did you get that little reference that I used there.  They taught us that in training in New York.  Anyhow they hit each other so hard knocking each other to the ground with such force you could hear the sound of impact like a gun shot.  I don't know how they continued to get up and skate. Yeah they wore fishnet and stockings but these ladies were no less athletes than any other athlete I have ever seen.  They all had super cool and clever names too.  

     I think the thing that impressed me the most about these women was the sisterhood that they shared.  If you don't know Jules' story she suffered a traumatic brain injury playing this very sport.  The team we went to play was evidently the team she played on.  It has been almost bee two years since she played on that team.  All those girls came over and talked to her, at separate times.  I thought that was really cool.  She said they always make her feel like she is still a part of the team.  She calls them her sisters.  I  guess that this sisterhood is throughout the whole derby community, not just in one town but everywhere.  She said that if your in derby you are instantly part of a community, world wide.  She said she has many friends in North Dakota from Williston, Fargo and Bismark that she stays in touch with through something like ummm facebook that are her sisters only from derby, but hold a special place in her heart.  I think that is really cool.

here we are before the game

     This was awesome...Betty from Willeston took me for a spin around the rink.  I had no idea how fast they went.  I thought I was going to throw up.  It was like a carnival ride, but they didn't have a sign up that said you have to be this tall to ride.  I thought it was fun but I was super scared.  Thank goodness no one gave us a hip check.  I heard Bettty is moving to Fargo so she might be here more often so that would be super cool.  

can you believe they all just just done beating the s#%t out of each other????

     After the bout we were off to Fargo to see Jules' friend Al in the hospital.  I was a little nervous because you never know how it is going to be when you visit someone in the hospital.  I never really know how I am suppose to act or what I am suppose to say.  After 10 minutes with Al I knew everything was going to be ok.  He even took a picture with Jules' and I and told me I could tell his story.

     I guess you may have heard of Al because Jules may have asked you to pray for him, some times over the last few months.  Al has been in the hospital since February 19th, two of those month in the ICU.  The chance that he will get out of the hospital are pretty much slim to none.  The last time that he has been out of his bed was July 4th and that was for about half an hour to watch the fireworks!  It would be too complicated to go into his whole health history, and everything that is going on with him, I don't understand it  all and also that is pretty personal.  Here is what you mainly need to know, before going in...he was a mostly healthy man (he did have copd) and now the doctors  have told him that he will not likely see Christmas.

     I was amazed at our visit.  This man was probably the strongest man that I have ever met.  He did actually remind me a lot of Dave on my old assignment.  We were there for about 4 hours and never complained to us.  He did get a bit grumpy with having to do cares and things but who wouldn't.  He laughed and laughed.  He did have some comments and real insightful thoughts of his imminent death, but didn't dwell on it.  He believes part of his purpose is to help nurses and doctors learn how to deal with long term patients.    he does have the option that he could take steps that would end his life sooner, but he says he enjoys living too much.   I couldn't believe it.  He is suffering so much and here he was laughing and joking and saying he enjoys living.  Then he buys dinner for everyone saying it feels nice to give back to people. Jules visits every Saturday, I hope I get to go with her every week.  He truly is an amazing man.  I hope you all continue to keep him in your thoughts and prayers!!!

After such a long day I couldn't even sit on the hospital entrance sign!!!

I hope you enjoyed this blog....

Until the next adventure...stay safe, stay sane, and stay beautiful America!!!

Stripes

   

     

Stripes

     Hi my name is Stripes and this is Jules.  Well I think you all know Jules, but not me.  I am going to be taking over Jules blog for a little while.  We are going to go on adventures I am going to take pictures and write about what we did on our adventures.  Some of them will be things that are normal everyday living things and others will be big adventures that we take together.  I am really excited to be here on this assignment!
     So, let me tell you a little bit about myself.  I was born in China, but was quickly sent to New York.  I spent about 1 year in training in New York.  They talked about the different kind of assignments that we might asked to go on.  My favorite was parkour training.  I do hope one of my assignments is american ninja warrior, but i doubt it.  So my first assignment was to keep these five little kids happy and content in Eden Prairie, Minnesota.  I lived with Mary and Dave, the grandparents  it was a pretty good gig.  The kids were a little rough on me but I loved them.  They would hold me and cuddle me and carry me around.  Dave died last year, and we were all very sad.  He loved all those kids.  Turns out my mission there was complete, and the weird thing is, Jules is Mary's daughter.  When I got here I was very happy to see lots of pictures of the people I fell in love with in THE EP.  (we were not suppose to do that) so I already feel at home and hope that I might get to see them again.

     I sure like all of the animals here.  There were no animals on my last assignment.  Ralphie is a big dog that doesn't seem very smart, but is super friendly.  Lucy is little.  She didn't seem to care to much about me, but when I arrived she sniffed me A LOT and wagged her tail.  It must be my new cologne.  Then there is a baby tiger Charlie.  He is really nice for a tiger.  I don't know how long they can keep them until they have to release them into the wild.  There also is this like one year old cat Schmlyee that comes and goes with a friend of Jules.  She is really nice too but kind of an airhead as well.  We all took a really fun picture together.  I enjoyed it, but they didn't seem to thrilled about it.

    Well, I think that is it for now.  I hear tomorrow we are going to something called roller derby and to see Jules friend Al....Jules set me up. She got me a Sioux hat saying I will have to be a Sioux hockey  fan to live in her house.  She also let me wear her brand new Suzy Hotrod T-shirt, cause derby is again a must!!!  I am not so sure about all this?!?!?!
Until the next adventure..stay safe, stay sane, and stay beautiful America...
Stripes

starting over

     Fear, faith, confusion, pain, love, anger, joyfulness, grief, helplessness, gratitude,  hopelessness, hopeful, despair, pity, amazed, disheartened, annoyed, excited, denial, worried, optimistic, tired, lonely, strong, and finally acceptance.   These are all feelings I have experienced in the last 3and 1/2 weeks.  Sometimes I feel them all in one day.  I wish my feelings weren't so complex.  I wish it were just black and white, but it isn't and I guess that is what makes me a human.  A God loving, Child of God.  I will get to that later, but I suppose that I better tell the story first.

     IN 9/2010 I suffered a traumatic brain injury doing one of things I loved most, playing roller derby.  They pretty much said I wouldn't walk again.  Well within in the last 4 months things were going really well and I was walking.  I still had a very long way to go but was planning on doing a 5k walk with my family at thanksgiving.  I was struggling a bit with the fact that I would never get to do all the physical things I used to, you can refer to an old post for that.  

     Fast forward to 3/28.   Now the information for the next week is hear say because I don't remember much of it.  Somehow when I was at the gym that day they found me with a weight bar over my face.  I did not know where I was or who Katey and Rachel were.  They brought me over to the er.  From the er they admitted me to the hospital for 3 days.  My memory was still bad at times I had no idea where I was, I was unable to walk, my speech was distorted, I couldn't keep anything down, I could barely see out of my right eye, my head was pounding and all I cared about was wanting to swim!  I know people came to visit, 2 of them being katey and rachel (because my ruminating went from "when can I swim" to "rachel said no swimming") but I don't remember so If you did thank you!!!  I was allowed to go home Friday but things didn't go so well at home.  I still was very confused, I ended up very dehydrated, I lost 3 pounds in the 2 days I was there and ended up with a uti, which makes you even more confused.  So Rachel and Katey send me back to the er (I of course wanted to go to scheels first to check out the summer life is good selection, to no avail) to get me hydrated and admitted into the rehab.

     Again the first night and day are a bit of a blur, until hydration and antibiotics kicked in.  When I did start remembering, I remembered what wonderful care and treatment I receive at altru rehab.  My physical therapist Tamara, always met me with a smile, was so encouraging and made every workout fun yet exhausting.  The nurses (especially Kim, Sasha and Christine) are amazing.  You can tell that they are truly invested in you and your recovery.  They treat you as an individual.  They treat you with love and kindness.  They treat you with gentleness, care and as if they have all the time in the world for you.  Even the housekeepers are amazing.  Always arranging your stuffed animals, even making a tied fleece blanket for me.  All the while Katey and Rachel were checking in on me to see how I was doing.  I had my ipad with me so I didn't miss any skype's which was great for my heart and soul and the dogs came to visit for an hour every night which made my stay more bearable as well!!! The woman in the room next to me had a code blue when I was up there.  If you have never heard one of them in person they are very loud and scary.  They are just like they are on Grey's.  Kim was there that morning when it happened.  She must have spent 3 hours that day with me just talking about it.  I honestly can not say enough great things about the treatment I receive there.  I really wish everyone could see it as I do...

     I am home now which makes me very very very happy.  I am able to have my babies around all the time, except when Lucy goes to tam's on the weekend.  I have dvr, so no commercials.  I can do what I want, when I want. I can stay up late and sleep in late if I want. No buzzers, bells and things beeping.  I get to go outside.  All in all it is just better to be home.

     Sounds great huh...nope it sucks.   I am back to imprisonment.  Stuck in my wheelchair.  The only time I am allowed to walk is at therapy.  I am not allowed to walk at home because it is not safe and I want to walk on my toes and that would reteach my brain the wrong way to walk.  No gym, No pool...the 2 things that made me feel like a normal human being.  (now I do get to do 15 mins on the nustep).  I can not tie my shoes.  There is a whole week of my life I pretty much don't remember.  I have basically lost all the independence.  i have to sit on the floor to shower because I am too wobbly on the shower chair.  My headache is consistanly at a 3.  After 2 hours of therapy I am exhausted and spent for the day.  No movies, no derby, nothing overstimulating, so pretty much nothing more than therapy and lying on the couch watching TV.  This blog post so far has taken me 5 hours because I have to stop and rest so often.  Most everything I want to do, I have to ask someone before doing it.  Reading books is out, following a story line is just too much.  things that used to come with such great ease are now difficult again.  I never go a day without hearing the word relearn.  I could make it a drinking game.  If you give me instructions and there are more than two steps forget it I can't do it.  I can't answer this question..."it takes 30 minutes to sew 6 Christmas stockings.  How long will it take to complete 15?".  All the progress I made was gone in the flash of an eye.  So am I mad yup.  Am I frustrated YES I AM!!!  What happens if I hit my head again?  I don't know and that scares me.  Will I get everything back?  I dont know they say so.  I AM SCARED!!!  I AM IRRITATED, ANNOYED, IN PAIN, FEARFUL, and CONFUSED...yes it sucks!!!  

    So do I have a right to complain?  Yes i do, we all do cause life can throw us some crappy turns.  I do have a choice though whether I choose to stay in that or I choose to see my blessing and be grateful.  Well today I choose to see the many blessings that God has granted me.  First, I am so loved.  I am a child of God who is loved so much that it isn't even possible to know how much He loves me.  I have a loving family, including a special bond with a 4 year old that I didn't think was even humanly possible to love like that.  I have friends who love me as if I am their family. I am their family of choice.  I have a team of therapist who know me so well and support, encourage and work with me way above and beyond what is asked of them and their job.  I have cheering section in heaven louder than any I have ever heard. All my basic needs are met, add some.  I have the most beautiful loving babies, who are cared for by so many.  When I came home from the hospital there were all these colorful tacky windmill things in front of my window.  Why???  my friends out them there because charlie likes to look at them.  I have prayer warriors around the country!  I have a bible that I can read out in the open whenever I want without persecution.   I have a God that loves me so much that he sent  his one and only son to die for me so that I could go to heaven.  All the beauty on this earth, if I were the only person on earth, He still would have made it for me.  I have a huge recovery chance.  I have a great amount of people who believe in my recovery.  I have the internet machine so I can get support from all my friends, and skype with my Soph and Lauren.  I am ok with who I am today.  If anyone ever picks on me I have a bunch of tough derby girls who will kick their butts.  I can smile and laugh.  I believe if you can't laugh, you can't do much.  I have the ability to make people smile.  I refuse to be the hidden candle, I want God's light to shine through me.  Even though sometimes I make some pretty ugly shadows, I hope people can see through the ugliness and find a piece of God in it.  I AM BLESSED!!!

      

     So today I won't just pray about what seems logical and possible.  I will pray HARD about the impossible.  I believe that God will show me that NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING is impossible with Him...Ever...Period...End of story...

Easter

Well, it is Easter time so I thought I would give you a little insight into what goes through my mind when I read the story. I would love to give you my full account of feeling and thoughts and experiences starting at Ash Wednesday all the way through Easter Sunday but that story would probably write a whole book so I will spare you of that :). Easter to me is the most sacred of holidays. It is the time God's greatest promise came true. It is the time that God made it possible for me to spend eternity with him even though I am an unworthy sinner. Ok so I don't know how this is going to work is just might be a cluster f&$k, I think I will just tell the story injecting my thoughts.
So, the last supper. Imagine actually being there and hearing Jesus say "this is my body". Knowing what I know today what a gift that would be, but back in the day I think I would be much more questioning. ***Side note...my feelings on the disciples are that they had doubts. I think at times they thought to themselves they were nuts.***Ok back to the story, so when Jesus lifted up the bread, I probably would have been whispering to the disciple next to me that he was cracked. I often think of that question that people ask..."if you could have dinner with any 3 people dead or alive who would it be?"...at least 50% of the people say Jesus. I am one of those people. Knowing what I know now, had I been there I would have been attached at his hip taking in every word, every movement, every sound, every sight, every smell, and every touch. Knowing that it would be some of my last moments with him. One of the gifts of Dave's death was we knew he was going to die ahead of time so I was able to spend time doing just that with him. But those disciples, no matter how many times Jesus told them they woudn't believe he was going to die. I don't blame them, I would have been like, "ok Jesus you just keep thinking that". Poor guy always thinking he is going to de this horrible death.
So Jesus takes the three of them out to the woods to guard him so he can pray, and what do those goons do? Fall asleep...not once, not twice, but three times!!! Here Jesus is pleading to God to spare him the horrible torture that he knows he is going to endure and his disciples can't even stay awake. So this part of the story is a turning point in my faith. Whenever I get down on myself for questioning the way the life is, or questioning God's plan for me I remember this. I envision Jesus on his knees weeping begging God to not have him do this. I am reminded that even Jesus had moments of doubts, moments of weakness, and moments where he did not want to stay on the path. Now the key is the second part of the prayer which is pretty simple...thy will be done...so, even though Jesus was not a fan of God's plan and he let him know that he still trusted and was faithful enough to continue on the journey God placed him on. The prayer is simple enough to say, but the follow through that is the hard part. Yes I have cried, begged, wept, and pleaded that God change this path, so far the answer has been the same as Jesus...no, although I am not. Huge fan of my path right now I will place my hand in his and walk with him until HE lets go. I hope that you are sleeping like the disciples yet.
Now we come to probably the most hated, but I feel most misunderstood person of the bible. Judas. Judas is th betrayer. Judas turned jesus over, basically selling him out for a bag of money and to make matters worse sealing it with a kiss. But here is the deal about judas, we don't know the whole situation as to why he did what he did. We also know without his betrayal how could the rest of the story unfold. I think that what matters most about judas is the guilt and shame that judas carried, so much so that he killed himself, and how ironic that is within the crucifixion. Who of you at some time in your life, for sure junior high, were judas? I have been. More times than I would like to admit. Remember how it feels. Remember how the guilt and shame eats at you. Remember how your heart physically aches because you caused another harm. Judas gets that. Now, have you had a judas in your life, I think we all have. How much easier is it to forgive them than it is yourself. Because that is what we do to people we love. We forgive. The problem with judas, the where we can get in trouble with is not accepting that forgiveness. Even if earthly situations are not forgiven you are forgiven by God. That is the forgiveness that I must receive to make my heart whole. When I receive God's forgiveness I forgive others and myself much easier. So next tie you're gonna rag on judas maybe cut him a little slack.
So now the public has decided to let this horrible murderer guy (like a Charles Manson of biblical times) go free and instead have Jesus crucified. Are you kidding me. Here is a man who has never harmed a single person, who has been beaten to a pulp, and you are going to crucify him because of who he says he is and let crazy eyes go. Fear. They were really just scared I think. So make the problem go away. Also probably some of that crazy mob mentality, ya know like one "Casey Antony". That's ok because God has a plan remember.
It is decided Jesus will be crucified along side two other criminal. I'll have you know I was "saved" for at least a year before I knew crucifixion was a common form of execution back then. Anyways, Jesus must carry his own cross. Now his cross is actually ours. His cross Is the sins of our world. He must die so that we can have eternal life. But we all have our own crosses to carry. Some crosses that have been handed to us, one of mine would be head injury. Some crosses are crosses we have chosen to pick up, one of mine would be drugs and alcohol. We all have them, they are just different and they change throughout our journey. The question I ask myself is, How do I chose to carry my cross. Do I carry it like Jesus. Jesus didn't stop, Jesus didn't say hey how bout a drink, Jesus didn't cry, Jesus didn't stomp his feet, Jesus was gracious to the man who helped him, Jesus fell many times on that trip and he got up every time as that cross got heavier and heavier. Jesus carried his cross with grace, dignity, honor, humility, courage and faith. This is how I want to carry my crosses. Doesn't always happen. Threw a tantrum fit for a 5 year old in therapy out of frustration the other day, but I try to carry them like Jesus. The other thing about carrying your crosses I have found is it helps if i have people around me to help me hold my cross, and remember that no matter what God is always there to carry the majority of the cross for me as long as i move my feet.
Now that he has made the horrific journey to the place of his death, Jesus is nailed to the to live out his destiny here on earth. As he hang bloody, beaten, bruised, dirty, and practically naked the man next to him asks for forgiveness. Now had it been me on that cross I would ave been like are you kidding me dude. But this is Jesus and in his steadfast grace, love, and empathy Jesus gives him a lengthy you are good in my father's eyes kid speech. They mocked him, "if you are the son of god come off that cross". Jesus doesn't argue, get sarcastic, or hurl insults back instead he says "forgive them father, they know not what they do.". WOW!!! Can I do this in my daily life in small situations??? Finally Jesus cries out, "why have you forsaken me". Again, a moment of weakness, a moment that shows why I need the trinity. I can't relate to an omnipotent man, or a spirit...but I surely can relate to a man crying out in pain questioning God even with great faith. Jesus takes his last breath. Then a whole bunch of environmental stuff happens.
Jesus is all wrapped up and put in a cave with a huge rock rolled in front of it. Jesus is dead, and the disciples are mourning. But why, he has told them he will rise again??? Because they we're human. Were they too caught up in their grief, maybe they thought no god would let their son suffer like that, or maybe they figured he was just wacked. But then it happens, the promise is fulfilled. The rock is rolled away and Jesus's body is gone. Would have hated to be that guard. An angel comes down and tells them "HE IS RISEN!!!GO TELL EVERYONE!!!"
Ñow imagine you are Thomas and you already have tos of questions. By the way if I lived back then I would be way worse than doubting Thomas. You here people talking, spreading the good news. Jesus has risen. He has come back. He really is the son of god. Some people will believe because they believe with all their heart that he is the son of god. Some will believe because everyone else does. Some will say they believe but don't. And finally some like Thomas and I will believe, but will ask a million questions. Not much different from today huh???
So god said he would send his one and only son to earth, to die for our sin so we could have eternal life. He did just that. Everyday I am thankful that I serve a god that love e that much!!! If you have read this whole post I am impressed. I do not profres to be a scholar or anything of the such. I may even have some of my facts wrong. This is strictly my point of view. And I hope you all know the word story does not mean fiction to me...happy Easter
Happy birthday Dave, I am sure you had the most amazing party in heaven today!!!

the simple things in life!!!

     So often I am absorbed in the big things in life that I forget to find time to enjoy the small thing in life.  I am not just talking about a smile and moving on with my day, I am talking about really living in the moment and enjoying it and cherishing it.  I find that I do a really good job of doing this with the God stuff.  You know what I am talking about. The beauty in the trees, the way the sun shines just right to create a rainbow, the smell of rain, the power of human touch, things like that.  So what I decided to do was the last couple week I tried to be really mindful of things and take the time to enjoy them.  I jotted a few of them down to share with you.  This was by no means the whole list but some I thought you may enjoy...
*first of all, I actually took that moon picture myself.  I have never been able to quiet myself enough to do it.
*Rosie, She is an old lady I work out with at the gym and when she is done she gets off her machine, throws her hands in the airs and YELLS, "all done".  Friday she told me she hates the treadmill people "they can go to hell she say".  in her sweet little old lady voice.
*6 unanswered goals.
*a text message from an old friend I haven't talked to in about 9 months simply saying "I love you"
*the way Lucy wags her tail just because you look at her.
*the skype phone ringing on a non skype night, the excitement in Sophia's voice when I answer even though 99.99% of the time I am here to answer an I look up to see her with a flashlight head thingy on.  "do I look silly aunt julie".
*a card in the mail from my grandma, she calls me #1 because I was the first girl born.
*opening the bible and the perfect passage popping out.
*the way Ralphie gives the perfect hugs.  he may not know his name but the boy knows how to hug.
*how the first thing Ralphie does when he walks in is run and say his hellos and get lovin, then runs and barks at the refrigerator.
*a stick salute.
*a warm shower.
*hearing kids on a trampoline.
*how even though Charlie is 20 pounds (yes 20 pounds he was just at the vet) he is the gentlest cat in the world and is just a lover.
*the willingness of so many people to pray for my friend Al even though they have never met them.
*a clean house.
*being with a grown man as he shares his tears with you over your hurting friend.
*overheard at the pool, "I went into the hot tub and you wouldn't believe how many people.....had tattoos"
*the ability to walk Lucy.
*wearing rain boots.
*the way Lucy and Ralphie get so excited to see you.
*pt to young patient at the pool, "some of your biggest muscles are in your bum"...patient "no your brain is your biggest muscle."  in that young people disgusted voice.
*getting my new running shoes in the mail.
*the way my hats make people smile.
*the man who opens the car door at the rehab telling me I am there too often.
*little Elly at the pool maybe 4, barely ever does what is asked of her, and never on the first asking.  There is a girl Chelsy with cp who is maybe 25 looked at Elly and said "hi Elly"...Elly swifly swam over to her and said, "here I am"  even her therapist couldn't help smiling.
*Sophia being so sad that her favorite park was "under construction" that she had to call me.
* a man who lives in my building sick of people laughing at his grocery getter...I am going to put a bumper sticker on here that says "don't laugh your mom might be in here.
*the contentment Charlie has in having the window open.
     Like I said these were just a few that I jotted down.  So what did I learn from this.  Something that I have known all along but maybe sometimes just need a reminder of.  That be it the big stuff, the nature stuff, the small stuff, or the simple stuff God is in it all.  It is always amazing to me how gives me exactly what i need when I need it.  The other thing I was reminded of in this little experiment life lesson was that yes He gives me all I need but I need to be open and alert to it. If I am focused so much on one thing past, present or future I am going to miss all of the other things He is presenting me with....so now I am off to focus on some hockey!!!

The reality of it!!!

***spoiler alert, this is probably not going to be the most upbeat blog so if you are looking for inspiration this is probably not the post for you***

Ok, now that we have got that out of the way, there will be people that come away from this post thinking two things. Some of you will know me and will understand my struggle. Others of you will think I should be grateful for how far I have come because really it is kinda a miracle. Either way you feel is fine with me. It is an internal struggle that I deal with and most times come out on the positive side of things, but there are times the sucky things win over, and today I am going to do what I normally don't do, and that is clue you in on the negative things that affect my life in ways known or unknown. Ps..I don't want your pity infact that would only bring me down more...
In life they say not to use words like can't or never. Well the reality of my situation is that there are things that even if I can retrain my brain do it I will never be able to do it in real life. I will never be able to rollerblade/skate again let alone play derby. I can't snowboard or skateboard again. I will not be able to ice skate or play hockey. Any sports are out of the question, this includes riding a bicycle. I know you must be thinking well these are just sports many people don't play sports, but I did. I was a risk taker, I remember holding on to cars with a skateboard or my rollerblades. I loved it. So sometimes the knowledge that I cannot participate in things like that anymore provides me with some grief.
If you know me, you know I am working super hard at the gym and at walking. It is very tiring and I feel very grateful with the progress I have made. Being able to walk brings lots of great freedom, and in the same aspect it also brings me the realization of things that still are going to take a ton of work to regain. No matter how hard I work I may never regain them like the ability to pee. I joke a lot but it is hard sometimes to go to the gym and see these frail old ladies lifting more than myself. Right now the simplest thing like a push up is a future goal for me. Rachel will put me on a special bike with a seat on it and she has to push my feet because my brain doesn't know what to do. I long for the day of normalcy and know that it will be a long time to get there. I am soooo blessed with a great huge support system here on earth and in heaven, and a loving God who is pushing me and loving me through it. I will make it, it just frusterated me that 3 hours of rehab and I need a 3 hour nap.
I guess all that being said I am really blessed. I am walking, no one thought that would happen. God has shown me that he wants me to take a different direction in my life. I am finally at a point in my life where I am ready to write that children's book I have been talking about forever. I have so many people praying for me and I truly believe in the power or prayer. I will be able to run again someday. I loved running and I know it will be something I can share with my family. I have a church family who has supported and loved me through the good and bad. I have a derby family, an oak manor family, and an Aa family. That is lots of families. I have had lots of time to spend with God, that in and of itself is a huge gift. It is a process, it is a journey, a journey that I would not have chosen, but for some reason God has chosen to put me on so I will hold his hand and walk it with him!!!
If I were to give one piece of advice besides prayer on how to dance in the rain is...laugh!!! You have got to laugh. After derby on Saturday we went to dinner at this little bar, I asked Sheri (a derby sister from Williston) to get me a kiddie cocktail. After stressing no alcohol, she said keep your money. I told her how great to buy for the cripple. Without missing a beat she says that's how I roll. About 5 minutes later blue was telling us how rude the lady with the menus was, I said I would punch her I wasn't scared. Without missing a beat a ref from Canada who I never met smiles at me and says what is she gonna do hit a cripple :). If we were to be gloom and doom all the time I would not get out of bed. A huge thanks to all you who make me laugh....I will keep on trucking on!!!

Roller Derby IS a Sport!!!

   Last night I had the pleasure of watching the Grand Forks Sugarbeaters take on the Bisman Bombshells in the Sugarbeaters' home derby debut.  If you are reading this you have probably read my statuses on facebook bragging about these girls.  I hope this post will give you some insight into why I love the sport of roller derby, and why I adore these women....

MEET YOUR SUGARBEATERS!!!

and their competition

THE BISMAN BOMBSHELLS

     Now this bout last night was the most action packed, hard hitting, fast skating, on the edge of your seat bout I have ever watched.  I know you might think I am biased, but I have watched derby on DNN and although team USA are fabulous as a fan being there invested in the game, takes it up like a hundred notch.I had seen some of the Bombshells skate last year and of course have been with the sugarbeaters since they were practicing in the park.  Wow what a difference a year can make.  I of course have seen some skaters from both teams in between but to see them to play as teams against eachother and I couldn't believe the strides these teams have made.

     Ok Ok, so what makes these girls athletes?  Let me tell you.  First of all these women do this after real life.  They are mother's wives, teachers, surgical techs, Ralphie's favorite day care provider :), the list goes on.  They don't get to focus their whole life on this.  Yet, they find time to practice at least 3 times a week, do training on their own, make appearances, fund raise, and scrimmage on weekends.  Their training is vigorous, with endurance training that is enough to make you puke.  They do on skate work outs, they scrimmage, they run, and they do plios all after a full days work.  They get hit and hit hard.  Do they complain?  oh hell no.  they take pictures and post them on facebook :)  they break their teeth sweep the broken tooth off the floor and start again.  Each girls must pass a series of tests to even be allowed to participate in a bout.  one of those is skating 25 laps in 5 minutes.  It is an exclusive club.   Plus you don't get to take it at the beginning of practice you do it after you have already skated for 2 hours.  I must brag, since we all know humility is not my best attribute, before I got hurt and Bettie paced me we got 25 in 4:27 :).  So they must play a 60 minute game, with 2 minute jams.  Sometimes the jammer is full speed the whole time.  Don't tell me you can do that and not be an athlete.

    I am not going to try and pretend to be able to explain the game in a blog.  So you know they are athletes and athletes play a sport right.  So here are the quirky things I love about derby.  Even though you could see these girls intense competitive nature in between whistles or in the penalty box they are laughing it up with each other, then knocking each other out.  In fact at the very end of the game, one of the girls yelled "I am so tired".  oh I laughed so very hard.    I would guess that 9 out of 10 trips to the box the derby girls doesn't even know why she is going.  (the rules are very complex).  Derby girls give back.  Let me tell you they gave over $2000 to the cystic fibrous foundation in honor of a little girl that lives in Grand Forks.  They made her an honorary sugar beater helmet, jersey and all.  She took a victory lap as the crowd cheered from their feet. But, what touched me the most was that the bisman bombshells also brought her a huge card, and a huge teddy bear...why cause that is what a derby girl does. These girls are tough.  They are strong.  They are fast.  They are kind.  They are generous.  They are funny.  They are my derby sisters and I love them.

       I loved playing derby.  It was exhlirating, empowering, really just all encompassing.  I have skated my whole life.  When I saw on facebook they were starting a league in Grand Forks I was so stoked.  I loved every single moment of it.  My friends thought I was crazy, but what else is new.  I wasn't a fan of the fishnets, but I got to play roller derby so I could work around that if I had to (luckily I never did :).  We worked hard and we had fun.  I remember getting in trouble for kicking the back of people's skates so they would fall.  We became a family.  I loved my skating days.

Bettie and me at our first public apperance

I was serious, first bout

pretty sure this was my last jam

    So many people ask if I had it to do all over again would I do it the same.  The answer is a surprising yes.   It has been a rough year and a half, that is for sure with a tough road ahead, but a doable road.  There is a reason I am on this road and only God knows that reason I am just along for the ride.  Because of derby I have become part of a community that is amazing.  To my AA friends it is a lot like AA, but  they are not alcoholics, welllllll no  I kid I kid.  They are a group of women who come from all walks of life but  have a common bond.  They love to skate.  When I got hurt not a single one of these women walked away from me.  They treat me like I am still part of the team.  I may not see them often, but they encourage me, and lift my spirits. I also know that these girls got my back!  I have met derby girls from all over North Dakota, and they are all great.  I even met a Canadian couple who showed me a different side of Canadians.  I am honored to call them my derby sisters.  

derby love~jumpin jules flash

I have a dream

     In honor of MLK day I thought I would write my own I have a dream speech.  This is also a disclaimer that all of my dreams are not of the serious nature, with that being said I mean no disrespect to the late Dr. King!

    I have a dream that we as a nation and we individually as a people will start taking personal responsibility for our actions.  I believe to truly grow and change we must stop blaming others and realize our part in the wrongs of our nation.  There comes a time in a nations history when we stop blaming the prior president (no matter how much at fault they are), we must stop blaming the other political party as we both parties have their faults, we must stop blaming the rich and in turn we must stop blaming poor, and while doing this we inevitably take responsibility for our actions and figure out how we can fix this peacefully TOGETHER.  Personally, when do we start saying I was wrong and I am sorry.  Instead we are so quick to blame the other person, our past, alcohol, drugs, our environment, our financial situation, the fact that the person in front of us was driving too slow, the list could go on forever.  Don't get me wrong, these things are serious and definitely can change our lives, but they can also change our lives for the better if we allow them.  If you have been on the receiving end you know how powerful a simple I am sorry and then a change of behavior can be.
     I have a dream that one day we will have a sioux hockey team again that can complete their passes, doesn't pass the puck right in front of their own goal with an opposing skater in the middle, a team that can actually run plays, that plays a whole 60 minutes, and that wins a national championship.
     I have visions of a world where people ask questions.  Instead of staring at someone that looks different, they ask them about their disability.  Instead of shoving opinions down each others throats we ask the question why they have that opinion.  If you read something in your bible and don't get it, ask.  We ask others about their lives, their days, their joys and their sadness.  That we are a nation that asks for help.
     I have a dream that Sophia and Lauren will grow up in a world void of war.  A world that only knows peace and harmony.  A world that is full of love and not hate.  A community where they are loved so much that they have nothing to do but love back.  A world where there is no fear.  A world that they feel safe to live in.  A world that is as beautiful as God created it.
     I hope that with all the technological advances, someday a doctor will decide that soda, candy and chips is a much better diet than water, fruits, and veggies.
     I have a dream that one day Christians will stop just reading and preaching the gospel, but also walking it.  I MUST SAY I DO KNOW A LOT OF CHRISTIANS WHO DO WALK THE GOSPEL.  That we as Christians will see that Jesus hung out with the most scandalous people of the bible.  That He did not condone their behavior nor did He judge them, condemn them on earth, or not speak to them.  He showed them the gospel through His love.  What a better way to expose someone to the love of Christ than to Love them as Christ would.  We as Christians are not the judge, jury and executioner.  We are simply God's people trying to carry his message.
     I have a dream that one day we will truly judge people by what is on the inside not the outside.  This is much more than just a color of your skin situation.   In our society today it is a color of your hair, tattoos on your bodies, piercings, clothes on your bodies, what kind of car you are driving, how much you weigh etc.  We are so much more than that.  We are humans with a heart and with a soul.  Every time we make fun of someone who is different from us, that person may act strong but on the inside it scratches their heart just a bit.  We need to remember that our words and actions do hurt people.
     Finally, I dream of a day that non pet people will realize that yes we really do see our pets as our children. We truly love them as much as you love your kids.  I know that is hard for you to believe, but it is the truth.  They hold all of our secrets.  They love us unconditionally.  They are always excited to see you (well maybe not charlie).  They Protect us even if they are only ten pounds.  I tell Lucy the plan for the day and she listens. They are the loves of my life.  So in my dream people will not dismiss them as just pets or animals...
  So this is probably the most controversial post I have written.  If it does not apply to you then just move along.  I am guilty of all of the above things, except the pet thing of course.  These are things I dream of happening, I don't live in la la land and think they are all possible.  But I will try to do what I can to make them possible.  In all honesty I sometimes think of God and how he must mourn at what this world has become, and that makes me sad.   Again just my thoughts and i am more than willing to hear yours....

Confessions of a dvr

A lot of people would ask their best friends to burn their diaries, erase their history on their computers, or get rid of some embarrassing or private material upon their death. Not me. ERASE MY DVR!!! With that said as a blogger I am oing to expose you to the list of shows on my dvr right now...hold on you may be surprised by some :)
2 broke girls
All-American Muslim
Chef Roble & co.
Desperate housewives
Fear factor
Girls: daughter left behind
Grey's anatomy
Hgtv dream home 2012
Happy endings
Hoarders
It's a brad brad world
Jig
Law&order
Modern family
Modern marvels
Once upon a time
Oe born every minute
Oprah's next chapter
Parking war's
Private practice
Project runway all stars
Property brothers
Real housewives of Beverly hills and Atlanta
Revenge
Suburgatory
Texas multi mamas
The bride was 7
The middle
The people's court
The view
Watch what happens:live
Wizards of waverly place

So there you have it...I feel much freer now that I put that out there...

Now onto more important issues. My new year's Practices to mark 2012 a happy one are going pretty well. I have been using my iPad and iPhone more and they do the auto capatalize so they are sorta enabling me. So if you have been paying attention do not give me the credit I don't deserve it. My morning meditations have gotten better. I still am not reading all of the books I was reading before I pick a select few and focus on them. It is amazing to me how God seeMs to always know what it is that I need to hear. The walking is getting better and my little Lucy is the best walking partner. Today our walk (with the walker) was 18 minutes. Pretty proud of that. Finally, history I am all into it. I have been watching documentaries like crazy and I have come to the conclusion that that JFK was not assassinated the way the government said he was. I have not figured it out yet but when I do I will let you know. If it were this day and age I would blame it on the animals of shady oaks. I know this is a pretty random post but that is me.

2012

     I must say that 2011 was kind of a sucky year.  It seemed as though whatever could go wrong did go wrong.  I could go on and on about all the crappy stuft, but I am not going to.  I just want to tell you that this year we lost my stepdad.  He was a great man of faith and family and he is missed every day!!!

This picture was taken 2 weeks before he died.  I will cherish that time with him always~~~

    A couple months later we lost the patriarch of our family.  Grandpa Doherty.  This picture is also taken the last time I saw him.  He was a wonderful man and he is greatly missed.

     My church family also lost their dad/husband this year.  He also was a man of great faith and a man who adored his family.  Over my years here the Trontvet's have become family to me.  I watch them grieve but also stay so true to their faith and each other.

Thanks for all the extra smiles Randy!!!

     So this is how I transition...These three wonderful men are up in heaven with God.  And they aren't sick anymore.  Sometimes that doesn't matter as they are missed so much, but knowing where they are takes away the sting a bit.  It may seem that they did not fulfill what they should have, marraiges missed, Grandchildren not growing up with their grandpas, and just so much time and memories to make still. Wha I need to remember is that God's promise was fulfilled and they are in a better place.  I often just sit back and think of what joy they must be experiencing in heaven.  They are my inspiration for a better 2012.

     I am not one to make resolutions because I am so not a rule follower that knowing there is a rule makes me just want to do the opposite.  So this year I thought that I would share with you the things that I hope to make 2012 a happy year...

I would like to blog more.

I plan to write that children's book that I have been talking about "I miss my grandpa lee"

I hope to run the turkey trot with my family at thanksgiving.

DONE!!!!!!

I would like to journal more again.

I would like to do a better job of being consistent with my meditation books.

I want to follow the will of God even when it hurts.

I will cherish those who are in my life.

I want to learn more about history.  Yes CEC finally and you don't even have to pay me.

I would like to complete more random acts of kindness.

I would like to be happy with where I am and strive to be better.

I want to be the best mommy, aunt, sister and sister in law, daughter and friend that I can be.

I dream of reading the bible cover to cover.

I am gonna try harder to capitalize.

     I hope I continue to grow.  I continue to be fun to be with, loving and caring.  I will still be goofy.  I will probably still be wearing hats and pjs and I am okay with that.  I hope my faith light shows.  I hope people see me as a woman of faith.  I want to continue loving my kids like they are little humans.  Of course I haven't told you all, but i think you get the drift...I AM HOPEFUL FOR THE YEAR 2012!!!

   My mom made me write this.  This year I plan on being nicer to other dogs (although I don't know why I have to).  I will love my brothers ;).  I hope to be the best cuddler of the year.

UHH what is a new years resolution

My new years resolution is to find a new home!

HAPPY 2012 EVERYONE!!!