starting over

     Fear, faith, confusion, pain, love, anger, joyfulness, grief, helplessness, gratitude,  hopelessness, hopeful, despair, pity, amazed, disheartened, annoyed, excited, denial, worried, optimistic, tired, lonely, strong, and finally acceptance.   These are all feelings I have experienced in the last 3and 1/2 weeks.  Sometimes I feel them all in one day.  I wish my feelings weren't so complex.  I wish it were just black and white, but it isn't and I guess that is what makes me a human.  A God loving, Child of God.  I will get to that later, but I suppose that I better tell the story first.

     IN 9/2010 I suffered a traumatic brain injury doing one of things I loved most, playing roller derby.  They pretty much said I wouldn't walk again.  Well within in the last 4 months things were going really well and I was walking.  I still had a very long way to go but was planning on doing a 5k walk with my family at thanksgiving.  I was struggling a bit with the fact that I would never get to do all the physical things I used to, you can refer to an old post for that.  

     Fast forward to 3/28.   Now the information for the next week is hear say because I don't remember much of it.  Somehow when I was at the gym that day they found me with a weight bar over my face.  I did not know where I was or who Katey and Rachel were.  They brought me over to the er.  From the er they admitted me to the hospital for 3 days.  My memory was still bad at times I had no idea where I was, I was unable to walk, my speech was distorted, I couldn't keep anything down, I could barely see out of my right eye, my head was pounding and all I cared about was wanting to swim!  I know people came to visit, 2 of them being katey and rachel (because my ruminating went from "when can I swim" to "rachel said no swimming") but I don't remember so If you did thank you!!!  I was allowed to go home Friday but things didn't go so well at home.  I still was very confused, I ended up very dehydrated, I lost 3 pounds in the 2 days I was there and ended up with a uti, which makes you even more confused.  So Rachel and Katey send me back to the er (I of course wanted to go to scheels first to check out the summer life is good selection, to no avail) to get me hydrated and admitted into the rehab.

     Again the first night and day are a bit of a blur, until hydration and antibiotics kicked in.  When I did start remembering, I remembered what wonderful care and treatment I receive at altru rehab.  My physical therapist Tamara, always met me with a smile, was so encouraging and made every workout fun yet exhausting.  The nurses (especially Kim, Sasha and Christine) are amazing.  You can tell that they are truly invested in you and your recovery.  They treat you as an individual.  They treat you with love and kindness.  They treat you with gentleness, care and as if they have all the time in the world for you.  Even the housekeepers are amazing.  Always arranging your stuffed animals, even making a tied fleece blanket for me.  All the while Katey and Rachel were checking in on me to see how I was doing.  I had my ipad with me so I didn't miss any skype's which was great for my heart and soul and the dogs came to visit for an hour every night which made my stay more bearable as well!!! The woman in the room next to me had a code blue when I was up there.  If you have never heard one of them in person they are very loud and scary.  They are just like they are on Grey's.  Kim was there that morning when it happened.  She must have spent 3 hours that day with me just talking about it.  I honestly can not say enough great things about the treatment I receive there.  I really wish everyone could see it as I do...

     I am home now which makes me very very very happy.  I am able to have my babies around all the time, except when Lucy goes to tam's on the weekend.  I have dvr, so no commercials.  I can do what I want, when I want. I can stay up late and sleep in late if I want. No buzzers, bells and things beeping.  I get to go outside.  All in all it is just better to be home.

     Sounds great huh...nope it sucks.   I am back to imprisonment.  Stuck in my wheelchair.  The only time I am allowed to walk is at therapy.  I am not allowed to walk at home because it is not safe and I want to walk on my toes and that would reteach my brain the wrong way to walk.  No gym, No pool...the 2 things that made me feel like a normal human being.  (now I do get to do 15 mins on the nustep).  I can not tie my shoes.  There is a whole week of my life I pretty much don't remember.  I have basically lost all the independence.  i have to sit on the floor to shower because I am too wobbly on the shower chair.  My headache is consistanly at a 3.  After 2 hours of therapy I am exhausted and spent for the day.  No movies, no derby, nothing overstimulating, so pretty much nothing more than therapy and lying on the couch watching TV.  This blog post so far has taken me 5 hours because I have to stop and rest so often.  Most everything I want to do, I have to ask someone before doing it.  Reading books is out, following a story line is just too much.  things that used to come with such great ease are now difficult again.  I never go a day without hearing the word relearn.  I could make it a drinking game.  If you give me instructions and there are more than two steps forget it I can't do it.  I can't answer this question..."it takes 30 minutes to sew 6 Christmas stockings.  How long will it take to complete 15?".  All the progress I made was gone in the flash of an eye.  So am I mad yup.  Am I frustrated YES I AM!!!  What happens if I hit my head again?  I don't know and that scares me.  Will I get everything back?  I dont know they say so.  I AM SCARED!!!  I AM IRRITATED, ANNOYED, IN PAIN, FEARFUL, and CONFUSED...yes it sucks!!!  

    So do I have a right to complain?  Yes i do, we all do cause life can throw us some crappy turns.  I do have a choice though whether I choose to stay in that or I choose to see my blessing and be grateful.  Well today I choose to see the many blessings that God has granted me.  First, I am so loved.  I am a child of God who is loved so much that it isn't even possible to know how much He loves me.  I have a loving family, including a special bond with a 4 year old that I didn't think was even humanly possible to love like that.  I have friends who love me as if I am their family. I am their family of choice.  I have a team of therapist who know me so well and support, encourage and work with me way above and beyond what is asked of them and their job.  I have cheering section in heaven louder than any I have ever heard. All my basic needs are met, add some.  I have the most beautiful loving babies, who are cared for by so many.  When I came home from the hospital there were all these colorful tacky windmill things in front of my window.  Why???  my friends out them there because charlie likes to look at them.  I have prayer warriors around the country!  I have a bible that I can read out in the open whenever I want without persecution.   I have a God that loves me so much that he sent  his one and only son to die for me so that I could go to heaven.  All the beauty on this earth, if I were the only person on earth, He still would have made it for me.  I have a huge recovery chance.  I have a great amount of people who believe in my recovery.  I have the internet machine so I can get support from all my friends, and skype with my Soph and Lauren.  I am ok with who I am today.  If anyone ever picks on me I have a bunch of tough derby girls who will kick their butts.  I can smile and laugh.  I believe if you can't laugh, you can't do much.  I have the ability to make people smile.  I refuse to be the hidden candle, I want God's light to shine through me.  Even though sometimes I make some pretty ugly shadows, I hope people can see through the ugliness and find a piece of God in it.  I AM BLESSED!!!

      

     So today I won't just pray about what seems logical and possible.  I will pray HARD about the impossible.  I believe that God will show me that NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING is impossible with Him...Ever...Period...End of story...