The reality of it!!!

***spoiler alert, this is probably not going to be the most upbeat blog so if you are looking for inspiration this is probably not the post for you***

Ok, now that we have got that out of the way, there will be people that come away from this post thinking two things. Some of you will know me and will understand my struggle. Others of you will think I should be grateful for how far I have come because really it is kinda a miracle. Either way you feel is fine with me. It is an internal struggle that I deal with and most times come out on the positive side of things, but there are times the sucky things win over, and today I am going to do what I normally don't do, and that is clue you in on the negative things that affect my life in ways known or unknown. Ps..I don't want your pity infact that would only bring me down more...
In life they say not to use words like can't or never. Well the reality of my situation is that there are things that even if I can retrain my brain do it I will never be able to do it in real life. I will never be able to rollerblade/skate again let alone play derby. I can't snowboard or skateboard again. I will not be able to ice skate or play hockey. Any sports are out of the question, this includes riding a bicycle. I know you must be thinking well these are just sports many people don't play sports, but I did. I was a risk taker, I remember holding on to cars with a skateboard or my rollerblades. I loved it. So sometimes the knowledge that I cannot participate in things like that anymore provides me with some grief.
If you know me, you know I am working super hard at the gym and at walking. It is very tiring and I feel very grateful with the progress I have made. Being able to walk brings lots of great freedom, and in the same aspect it also brings me the realization of things that still are going to take a ton of work to regain. No matter how hard I work I may never regain them like the ability to pee. I joke a lot but it is hard sometimes to go to the gym and see these frail old ladies lifting more than myself. Right now the simplest thing like a push up is a future goal for me. Rachel will put me on a special bike with a seat on it and she has to push my feet because my brain doesn't know what to do. I long for the day of normalcy and know that it will be a long time to get there. I am soooo blessed with a great huge support system here on earth and in heaven, and a loving God who is pushing me and loving me through it. I will make it, it just frusterated me that 3 hours of rehab and I need a 3 hour nap.
I guess all that being said I am really blessed. I am walking, no one thought that would happen. God has shown me that he wants me to take a different direction in my life. I am finally at a point in my life where I am ready to write that children's book I have been talking about forever. I have so many people praying for me and I truly believe in the power or prayer. I will be able to run again someday. I loved running and I know it will be something I can share with my family. I have a church family who has supported and loved me through the good and bad. I have a derby family, an oak manor family, and an Aa family. That is lots of families. I have had lots of time to spend with God, that in and of itself is a huge gift. It is a process, it is a journey, a journey that I would not have chosen, but for some reason God has chosen to put me on so I will hold his hand and walk it with him!!!
If I were to give one piece of advice besides prayer on how to dance in the rain is...laugh!!! You have got to laugh. After derby on Saturday we went to dinner at this little bar, I asked Sheri (a derby sister from Williston) to get me a kiddie cocktail. After stressing no alcohol, she said keep your money. I told her how great to buy for the cripple. Without missing a beat she says that's how I roll. About 5 minutes later blue was telling us how rude the lady with the menus was, I said I would punch her I wasn't scared. Without missing a beat a ref from Canada who I never met smiles at me and says what is she gonna do hit a cripple :). If we were to be gloom and doom all the time I would not get out of bed. A huge thanks to all you who make me laugh....I will keep on trucking on!!!