starting over

     Fear, faith, confusion, pain, love, anger, joyfulness, grief, helplessness, gratitude,  hopelessness, hopeful, despair, pity, amazed, disheartened, annoyed, excited, denial, worried, optimistic, tired, lonely, strong, and finally acceptance.   These are all feelings I have experienced in the last 3and 1/2 weeks.  Sometimes I feel them all in one day.  I wish my feelings weren't so complex.  I wish it were just black and white, but it isn't and I guess that is what makes me a human.  A God loving, Child of God.  I will get to that later, but I suppose that I better tell the story first.

     IN 9/2010 I suffered a traumatic brain injury doing one of things I loved most, playing roller derby.  They pretty much said I wouldn't walk again.  Well within in the last 4 months things were going really well and I was walking.  I still had a very long way to go but was planning on doing a 5k walk with my family at thanksgiving.  I was struggling a bit with the fact that I would never get to do all the physical things I used to, you can refer to an old post for that.  

     Fast forward to 3/28.   Now the information for the next week is hear say because I don't remember much of it.  Somehow when I was at the gym that day they found me with a weight bar over my face.  I did not know where I was or who Katey and Rachel were.  They brought me over to the er.  From the er they admitted me to the hospital for 3 days.  My memory was still bad at times I had no idea where I was, I was unable to walk, my speech was distorted, I couldn't keep anything down, I could barely see out of my right eye, my head was pounding and all I cared about was wanting to swim!  I know people came to visit, 2 of them being katey and rachel (because my ruminating went from "when can I swim" to "rachel said no swimming") but I don't remember so If you did thank you!!!  I was allowed to go home Friday but things didn't go so well at home.  I still was very confused, I ended up very dehydrated, I lost 3 pounds in the 2 days I was there and ended up with a uti, which makes you even more confused.  So Rachel and Katey send me back to the er (I of course wanted to go to scheels first to check out the summer life is good selection, to no avail) to get me hydrated and admitted into the rehab.

     Again the first night and day are a bit of a blur, until hydration and antibiotics kicked in.  When I did start remembering, I remembered what wonderful care and treatment I receive at altru rehab.  My physical therapist Tamara, always met me with a smile, was so encouraging and made every workout fun yet exhausting.  The nurses (especially Kim, Sasha and Christine) are amazing.  You can tell that they are truly invested in you and your recovery.  They treat you as an individual.  They treat you with love and kindness.  They treat you with gentleness, care and as if they have all the time in the world for you.  Even the housekeepers are amazing.  Always arranging your stuffed animals, even making a tied fleece blanket for me.  All the while Katey and Rachel were checking in on me to see how I was doing.  I had my ipad with me so I didn't miss any skype's which was great for my heart and soul and the dogs came to visit for an hour every night which made my stay more bearable as well!!! The woman in the room next to me had a code blue when I was up there.  If you have never heard one of them in person they are very loud and scary.  They are just like they are on Grey's.  Kim was there that morning when it happened.  She must have spent 3 hours that day with me just talking about it.  I honestly can not say enough great things about the treatment I receive there.  I really wish everyone could see it as I do...

     I am home now which makes me very very very happy.  I am able to have my babies around all the time, except when Lucy goes to tam's on the weekend.  I have dvr, so no commercials.  I can do what I want, when I want. I can stay up late and sleep in late if I want. No buzzers, bells and things beeping.  I get to go outside.  All in all it is just better to be home.

     Sounds great huh...nope it sucks.   I am back to imprisonment.  Stuck in my wheelchair.  The only time I am allowed to walk is at therapy.  I am not allowed to walk at home because it is not safe and I want to walk on my toes and that would reteach my brain the wrong way to walk.  No gym, No pool...the 2 things that made me feel like a normal human being.  (now I do get to do 15 mins on the nustep).  I can not tie my shoes.  There is a whole week of my life I pretty much don't remember.  I have basically lost all the independence.  i have to sit on the floor to shower because I am too wobbly on the shower chair.  My headache is consistanly at a 3.  After 2 hours of therapy I am exhausted and spent for the day.  No movies, no derby, nothing overstimulating, so pretty much nothing more than therapy and lying on the couch watching TV.  This blog post so far has taken me 5 hours because I have to stop and rest so often.  Most everything I want to do, I have to ask someone before doing it.  Reading books is out, following a story line is just too much.  things that used to come with such great ease are now difficult again.  I never go a day without hearing the word relearn.  I could make it a drinking game.  If you give me instructions and there are more than two steps forget it I can't do it.  I can't answer this question..."it takes 30 minutes to sew 6 Christmas stockings.  How long will it take to complete 15?".  All the progress I made was gone in the flash of an eye.  So am I mad yup.  Am I frustrated YES I AM!!!  What happens if I hit my head again?  I don't know and that scares me.  Will I get everything back?  I dont know they say so.  I AM SCARED!!!  I AM IRRITATED, ANNOYED, IN PAIN, FEARFUL, and CONFUSED...yes it sucks!!!  

    So do I have a right to complain?  Yes i do, we all do cause life can throw us some crappy turns.  I do have a choice though whether I choose to stay in that or I choose to see my blessing and be grateful.  Well today I choose to see the many blessings that God has granted me.  First, I am so loved.  I am a child of God who is loved so much that it isn't even possible to know how much He loves me.  I have a loving family, including a special bond with a 4 year old that I didn't think was even humanly possible to love like that.  I have friends who love me as if I am their family. I am their family of choice.  I have a team of therapist who know me so well and support, encourage and work with me way above and beyond what is asked of them and their job.  I have cheering section in heaven louder than any I have ever heard. All my basic needs are met, add some.  I have the most beautiful loving babies, who are cared for by so many.  When I came home from the hospital there were all these colorful tacky windmill things in front of my window.  Why???  my friends out them there because charlie likes to look at them.  I have prayer warriors around the country!  I have a bible that I can read out in the open whenever I want without persecution.   I have a God that loves me so much that he sent  his one and only son to die for me so that I could go to heaven.  All the beauty on this earth, if I were the only person on earth, He still would have made it for me.  I have a huge recovery chance.  I have a great amount of people who believe in my recovery.  I have the internet machine so I can get support from all my friends, and skype with my Soph and Lauren.  I am ok with who I am today.  If anyone ever picks on me I have a bunch of tough derby girls who will kick their butts.  I can smile and laugh.  I believe if you can't laugh, you can't do much.  I have the ability to make people smile.  I refuse to be the hidden candle, I want God's light to shine through me.  Even though sometimes I make some pretty ugly shadows, I hope people can see through the ugliness and find a piece of God in it.  I AM BLESSED!!!

      

     So today I won't just pray about what seems logical and possible.  I will pray HARD about the impossible.  I believe that God will show me that NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING is impossible with Him...Ever...Period...End of story...

Easter

Well, it is Easter time so I thought I would give you a little insight into what goes through my mind when I read the story. I would love to give you my full account of feeling and thoughts and experiences starting at Ash Wednesday all the way through Easter Sunday but that story would probably write a whole book so I will spare you of that :). Easter to me is the most sacred of holidays. It is the time God's greatest promise came true. It is the time that God made it possible for me to spend eternity with him even though I am an unworthy sinner. Ok so I don't know how this is going to work is just might be a cluster f&$k, I think I will just tell the story injecting my thoughts.
So, the last supper. Imagine actually being there and hearing Jesus say "this is my body". Knowing what I know today what a gift that would be, but back in the day I think I would be much more questioning. ***Side note...my feelings on the disciples are that they had doubts. I think at times they thought to themselves they were nuts.***Ok back to the story, so when Jesus lifted up the bread, I probably would have been whispering to the disciple next to me that he was cracked. I often think of that question that people ask..."if you could have dinner with any 3 people dead or alive who would it be?"...at least 50% of the people say Jesus. I am one of those people. Knowing what I know now, had I been there I would have been attached at his hip taking in every word, every movement, every sound, every sight, every smell, and every touch. Knowing that it would be some of my last moments with him. One of the gifts of Dave's death was we knew he was going to die ahead of time so I was able to spend time doing just that with him. But those disciples, no matter how many times Jesus told them they woudn't believe he was going to die. I don't blame them, I would have been like, "ok Jesus you just keep thinking that". Poor guy always thinking he is going to de this horrible death.
So Jesus takes the three of them out to the woods to guard him so he can pray, and what do those goons do? Fall asleep...not once, not twice, but three times!!! Here Jesus is pleading to God to spare him the horrible torture that he knows he is going to endure and his disciples can't even stay awake. So this part of the story is a turning point in my faith. Whenever I get down on myself for questioning the way the life is, or questioning God's plan for me I remember this. I envision Jesus on his knees weeping begging God to not have him do this. I am reminded that even Jesus had moments of doubts, moments of weakness, and moments where he did not want to stay on the path. Now the key is the second part of the prayer which is pretty simple...thy will be done...so, even though Jesus was not a fan of God's plan and he let him know that he still trusted and was faithful enough to continue on the journey God placed him on. The prayer is simple enough to say, but the follow through that is the hard part. Yes I have cried, begged, wept, and pleaded that God change this path, so far the answer has been the same as Jesus...no, although I am not. Huge fan of my path right now I will place my hand in his and walk with him until HE lets go. I hope that you are sleeping like the disciples yet.
Now we come to probably the most hated, but I feel most misunderstood person of the bible. Judas. Judas is th betrayer. Judas turned jesus over, basically selling him out for a bag of money and to make matters worse sealing it with a kiss. But here is the deal about judas, we don't know the whole situation as to why he did what he did. We also know without his betrayal how could the rest of the story unfold. I think that what matters most about judas is the guilt and shame that judas carried, so much so that he killed himself, and how ironic that is within the crucifixion. Who of you at some time in your life, for sure junior high, were judas? I have been. More times than I would like to admit. Remember how it feels. Remember how the guilt and shame eats at you. Remember how your heart physically aches because you caused another harm. Judas gets that. Now, have you had a judas in your life, I think we all have. How much easier is it to forgive them than it is yourself. Because that is what we do to people we love. We forgive. The problem with judas, the where we can get in trouble with is not accepting that forgiveness. Even if earthly situations are not forgiven you are forgiven by God. That is the forgiveness that I must receive to make my heart whole. When I receive God's forgiveness I forgive others and myself much easier. So next tie you're gonna rag on judas maybe cut him a little slack.
So now the public has decided to let this horrible murderer guy (like a Charles Manson of biblical times) go free and instead have Jesus crucified. Are you kidding me. Here is a man who has never harmed a single person, who has been beaten to a pulp, and you are going to crucify him because of who he says he is and let crazy eyes go. Fear. They were really just scared I think. So make the problem go away. Also probably some of that crazy mob mentality, ya know like one "Casey Antony". That's ok because God has a plan remember.
It is decided Jesus will be crucified along side two other criminal. I'll have you know I was "saved" for at least a year before I knew crucifixion was a common form of execution back then. Anyways, Jesus must carry his own cross. Now his cross is actually ours. His cross Is the sins of our world. He must die so that we can have eternal life. But we all have our own crosses to carry. Some crosses that have been handed to us, one of mine would be head injury. Some crosses are crosses we have chosen to pick up, one of mine would be drugs and alcohol. We all have them, they are just different and they change throughout our journey. The question I ask myself is, How do I chose to carry my cross. Do I carry it like Jesus. Jesus didn't stop, Jesus didn't say hey how bout a drink, Jesus didn't cry, Jesus didn't stomp his feet, Jesus was gracious to the man who helped him, Jesus fell many times on that trip and he got up every time as that cross got heavier and heavier. Jesus carried his cross with grace, dignity, honor, humility, courage and faith. This is how I want to carry my crosses. Doesn't always happen. Threw a tantrum fit for a 5 year old in therapy out of frustration the other day, but I try to carry them like Jesus. The other thing about carrying your crosses I have found is it helps if i have people around me to help me hold my cross, and remember that no matter what God is always there to carry the majority of the cross for me as long as i move my feet.
Now that he has made the horrific journey to the place of his death, Jesus is nailed to the to live out his destiny here on earth. As he hang bloody, beaten, bruised, dirty, and practically naked the man next to him asks for forgiveness. Now had it been me on that cross I would ave been like are you kidding me dude. But this is Jesus and in his steadfast grace, love, and empathy Jesus gives him a lengthy you are good in my father's eyes kid speech. They mocked him, "if you are the son of god come off that cross". Jesus doesn't argue, get sarcastic, or hurl insults back instead he says "forgive them father, they know not what they do.". WOW!!! Can I do this in my daily life in small situations??? Finally Jesus cries out, "why have you forsaken me". Again, a moment of weakness, a moment that shows why I need the trinity. I can't relate to an omnipotent man, or a spirit...but I surely can relate to a man crying out in pain questioning God even with great faith. Jesus takes his last breath. Then a whole bunch of environmental stuff happens.
Jesus is all wrapped up and put in a cave with a huge rock rolled in front of it. Jesus is dead, and the disciples are mourning. But why, he has told them he will rise again??? Because they we're human. Were they too caught up in their grief, maybe they thought no god would let their son suffer like that, or maybe they figured he was just wacked. But then it happens, the promise is fulfilled. The rock is rolled away and Jesus's body is gone. Would have hated to be that guard. An angel comes down and tells them "HE IS RISEN!!!GO TELL EVERYONE!!!"
Ñow imagine you are Thomas and you already have tos of questions. By the way if I lived back then I would be way worse than doubting Thomas. You here people talking, spreading the good news. Jesus has risen. He has come back. He really is the son of god. Some people will believe because they believe with all their heart that he is the son of god. Some will believe because everyone else does. Some will say they believe but don't. And finally some like Thomas and I will believe, but will ask a million questions. Not much different from today huh???
So god said he would send his one and only son to earth, to die for our sin so we could have eternal life. He did just that. Everyday I am thankful that I serve a god that love e that much!!! If you have read this whole post I am impressed. I do not profres to be a scholar or anything of the such. I may even have some of my facts wrong. This is strictly my point of view. And I hope you all know the word story does not mean fiction to me...happy Easter
Happy birthday Dave, I am sure you had the most amazing party in heaven today!!!