The reality of it!!!

***spoiler alert, this is probably not going to be the most upbeat blog so if you are looking for inspiration this is probably not the post for you***

Ok, now that we have got that out of the way, there will be people that come away from this post thinking two things. Some of you will know me and will understand my struggle. Others of you will think I should be grateful for how far I have come because really it is kinda a miracle. Either way you feel is fine with me. It is an internal struggle that I deal with and most times come out on the positive side of things, but there are times the sucky things win over, and today I am going to do what I normally don't do, and that is clue you in on the negative things that affect my life in ways known or unknown. Ps..I don't want your pity infact that would only bring me down more...
In life they say not to use words like can't or never. Well the reality of my situation is that there are things that even if I can retrain my brain do it I will never be able to do it in real life. I will never be able to rollerblade/skate again let alone play derby. I can't snowboard or skateboard again. I will not be able to ice skate or play hockey. Any sports are out of the question, this includes riding a bicycle. I know you must be thinking well these are just sports many people don't play sports, but I did. I was a risk taker, I remember holding on to cars with a skateboard or my rollerblades. I loved it. So sometimes the knowledge that I cannot participate in things like that anymore provides me with some grief.
If you know me, you know I am working super hard at the gym and at walking. It is very tiring and I feel very grateful with the progress I have made. Being able to walk brings lots of great freedom, and in the same aspect it also brings me the realization of things that still are going to take a ton of work to regain. No matter how hard I work I may never regain them like the ability to pee. I joke a lot but it is hard sometimes to go to the gym and see these frail old ladies lifting more than myself. Right now the simplest thing like a push up is a future goal for me. Rachel will put me on a special bike with a seat on it and she has to push my feet because my brain doesn't know what to do. I long for the day of normalcy and know that it will be a long time to get there. I am soooo blessed with a great huge support system here on earth and in heaven, and a loving God who is pushing me and loving me through it. I will make it, it just frusterated me that 3 hours of rehab and I need a 3 hour nap.
I guess all that being said I am really blessed. I am walking, no one thought that would happen. God has shown me that he wants me to take a different direction in my life. I am finally at a point in my life where I am ready to write that children's book I have been talking about forever. I have so many people praying for me and I truly believe in the power or prayer. I will be able to run again someday. I loved running and I know it will be something I can share with my family. I have a church family who has supported and loved me through the good and bad. I have a derby family, an oak manor family, and an Aa family. That is lots of families. I have had lots of time to spend with God, that in and of itself is a huge gift. It is a process, it is a journey, a journey that I would not have chosen, but for some reason God has chosen to put me on so I will hold his hand and walk it with him!!!
If I were to give one piece of advice besides prayer on how to dance in the rain is...laugh!!! You have got to laugh. After derby on Saturday we went to dinner at this little bar, I asked Sheri (a derby sister from Williston) to get me a kiddie cocktail. After stressing no alcohol, she said keep your money. I told her how great to buy for the cripple. Without missing a beat she says that's how I roll. About 5 minutes later blue was telling us how rude the lady with the menus was, I said I would punch her I wasn't scared. Without missing a beat a ref from Canada who I never met smiles at me and says what is she gonna do hit a cripple :). If we were to be gloom and doom all the time I would not get out of bed. A huge thanks to all you who make me laugh....I will keep on trucking on!!!

Roller Derby IS a Sport!!!

   Last night I had the pleasure of watching the Grand Forks Sugarbeaters take on the Bisman Bombshells in the Sugarbeaters' home derby debut.  If you are reading this you have probably read my statuses on facebook bragging about these girls.  I hope this post will give you some insight into why I love the sport of roller derby, and why I adore these women....

MEET YOUR SUGARBEATERS!!!

and their competition

THE BISMAN BOMBSHELLS

     Now this bout last night was the most action packed, hard hitting, fast skating, on the edge of your seat bout I have ever watched.  I know you might think I am biased, but I have watched derby on DNN and although team USA are fabulous as a fan being there invested in the game, takes it up like a hundred notch.I had seen some of the Bombshells skate last year and of course have been with the sugarbeaters since they were practicing in the park.  Wow what a difference a year can make.  I of course have seen some skaters from both teams in between but to see them to play as teams against eachother and I couldn't believe the strides these teams have made.

     Ok Ok, so what makes these girls athletes?  Let me tell you.  First of all these women do this after real life.  They are mother's wives, teachers, surgical techs, Ralphie's favorite day care provider :), the list goes on.  They don't get to focus their whole life on this.  Yet, they find time to practice at least 3 times a week, do training on their own, make appearances, fund raise, and scrimmage on weekends.  Their training is vigorous, with endurance training that is enough to make you puke.  They do on skate work outs, they scrimmage, they run, and they do plios all after a full days work.  They get hit and hit hard.  Do they complain?  oh hell no.  they take pictures and post them on facebook :)  they break their teeth sweep the broken tooth off the floor and start again.  Each girls must pass a series of tests to even be allowed to participate in a bout.  one of those is skating 25 laps in 5 minutes.  It is an exclusive club.   Plus you don't get to take it at the beginning of practice you do it after you have already skated for 2 hours.  I must brag, since we all know humility is not my best attribute, before I got hurt and Bettie paced me we got 25 in 4:27 :).  So they must play a 60 minute game, with 2 minute jams.  Sometimes the jammer is full speed the whole time.  Don't tell me you can do that and not be an athlete.

    I am not going to try and pretend to be able to explain the game in a blog.  So you know they are athletes and athletes play a sport right.  So here are the quirky things I love about derby.  Even though you could see these girls intense competitive nature in between whistles or in the penalty box they are laughing it up with each other, then knocking each other out.  In fact at the very end of the game, one of the girls yelled "I am so tired".  oh I laughed so very hard.    I would guess that 9 out of 10 trips to the box the derby girls doesn't even know why she is going.  (the rules are very complex).  Derby girls give back.  Let me tell you they gave over $2000 to the cystic fibrous foundation in honor of a little girl that lives in Grand Forks.  They made her an honorary sugar beater helmet, jersey and all.  She took a victory lap as the crowd cheered from their feet. But, what touched me the most was that the bisman bombshells also brought her a huge card, and a huge teddy bear...why cause that is what a derby girl does. These girls are tough.  They are strong.  They are fast.  They are kind.  They are generous.  They are funny.  They are my derby sisters and I love them.

       I loved playing derby.  It was exhlirating, empowering, really just all encompassing.  I have skated my whole life.  When I saw on facebook they were starting a league in Grand Forks I was so stoked.  I loved every single moment of it.  My friends thought I was crazy, but what else is new.  I wasn't a fan of the fishnets, but I got to play roller derby so I could work around that if I had to (luckily I never did :).  We worked hard and we had fun.  I remember getting in trouble for kicking the back of people's skates so they would fall.  We became a family.  I loved my skating days.

Bettie and me at our first public apperance

I was serious, first bout

pretty sure this was my last jam

    So many people ask if I had it to do all over again would I do it the same.  The answer is a surprising yes.   It has been a rough year and a half, that is for sure with a tough road ahead, but a doable road.  There is a reason I am on this road and only God knows that reason I am just along for the ride.  Because of derby I have become part of a community that is amazing.  To my AA friends it is a lot like AA, but  they are not alcoholics, welllllll no  I kid I kid.  They are a group of women who come from all walks of life but  have a common bond.  They love to skate.  When I got hurt not a single one of these women walked away from me.  They treat me like I am still part of the team.  I may not see them often, but they encourage me, and lift my spirits. I also know that these girls got my back!  I have met derby girls from all over North Dakota, and they are all great.  I even met a Canadian couple who showed me a different side of Canadians.  I am honored to call them my derby sisters.  

derby love~jumpin jules flash