the simple things in life!!!

     So often I am absorbed in the big things in life that I forget to find time to enjoy the small thing in life.  I am not just talking about a smile and moving on with my day, I am talking about really living in the moment and enjoying it and cherishing it.  I find that I do a really good job of doing this with the God stuff.  You know what I am talking about. The beauty in the trees, the way the sun shines just right to create a rainbow, the smell of rain, the power of human touch, things like that.  So what I decided to do was the last couple week I tried to be really mindful of things and take the time to enjoy them.  I jotted a few of them down to share with you.  This was by no means the whole list but some I thought you may enjoy...
*first of all, I actually took that moon picture myself.  I have never been able to quiet myself enough to do it.
*Rosie, She is an old lady I work out with at the gym and when she is done she gets off her machine, throws her hands in the airs and YELLS, "all done".  Friday she told me she hates the treadmill people "they can go to hell she say".  in her sweet little old lady voice.
*6 unanswered goals.
*a text message from an old friend I haven't talked to in about 9 months simply saying "I love you"
*the way Lucy wags her tail just because you look at her.
*the skype phone ringing on a non skype night, the excitement in Sophia's voice when I answer even though 99.99% of the time I am here to answer an I look up to see her with a flashlight head thingy on.  "do I look silly aunt julie".
*a card in the mail from my grandma, she calls me #1 because I was the first girl born.
*opening the bible and the perfect passage popping out.
*the way Ralphie gives the perfect hugs.  he may not know his name but the boy knows how to hug.
*how the first thing Ralphie does when he walks in is run and say his hellos and get lovin, then runs and barks at the refrigerator.
*a stick salute.
*a warm shower.
*hearing kids on a trampoline.
*how even though Charlie is 20 pounds (yes 20 pounds he was just at the vet) he is the gentlest cat in the world and is just a lover.
*the willingness of so many people to pray for my friend Al even though they have never met them.
*a clean house.
*being with a grown man as he shares his tears with you over your hurting friend.
*overheard at the pool, "I went into the hot tub and you wouldn't believe how many people.....had tattoos"
*the ability to walk Lucy.
*wearing rain boots.
*the way Lucy and Ralphie get so excited to see you.
*pt to young patient at the pool, "some of your biggest muscles are in your bum"...patient "no your brain is your biggest muscle."  in that young people disgusted voice.
*getting my new running shoes in the mail.
*the way my hats make people smile.
*the man who opens the car door at the rehab telling me I am there too often.
*little Elly at the pool maybe 4, barely ever does what is asked of her, and never on the first asking.  There is a girl Chelsy with cp who is maybe 25 looked at Elly and said "hi Elly"...Elly swifly swam over to her and said, "here I am"  even her therapist couldn't help smiling.
*Sophia being so sad that her favorite park was "under construction" that she had to call me.
* a man who lives in my building sick of people laughing at his grocery getter...I am going to put a bumper sticker on here that says "don't laugh your mom might be in here.
*the contentment Charlie has in having the window open.
     Like I said these were just a few that I jotted down.  So what did I learn from this.  Something that I have known all along but maybe sometimes just need a reminder of.  That be it the big stuff, the nature stuff, the small stuff, or the simple stuff God is in it all.  It is always amazing to me how gives me exactly what i need when I need it.  The other thing I was reminded of in this little experiment life lesson was that yes He gives me all I need but I need to be open and alert to it. If I am focused so much on one thing past, present or future I am going to miss all of the other things He is presenting me with....so now I am off to focus on some hockey!!!

The reality of it!!!

***spoiler alert, this is probably not going to be the most upbeat blog so if you are looking for inspiration this is probably not the post for you***

Ok, now that we have got that out of the way, there will be people that come away from this post thinking two things. Some of you will know me and will understand my struggle. Others of you will think I should be grateful for how far I have come because really it is kinda a miracle. Either way you feel is fine with me. It is an internal struggle that I deal with and most times come out on the positive side of things, but there are times the sucky things win over, and today I am going to do what I normally don't do, and that is clue you in on the negative things that affect my life in ways known or unknown. Ps..I don't want your pity infact that would only bring me down more...
In life they say not to use words like can't or never. Well the reality of my situation is that there are things that even if I can retrain my brain do it I will never be able to do it in real life. I will never be able to rollerblade/skate again let alone play derby. I can't snowboard or skateboard again. I will not be able to ice skate or play hockey. Any sports are out of the question, this includes riding a bicycle. I know you must be thinking well these are just sports many people don't play sports, but I did. I was a risk taker, I remember holding on to cars with a skateboard or my rollerblades. I loved it. So sometimes the knowledge that I cannot participate in things like that anymore provides me with some grief.
If you know me, you know I am working super hard at the gym and at walking. It is very tiring and I feel very grateful with the progress I have made. Being able to walk brings lots of great freedom, and in the same aspect it also brings me the realization of things that still are going to take a ton of work to regain. No matter how hard I work I may never regain them like the ability to pee. I joke a lot but it is hard sometimes to go to the gym and see these frail old ladies lifting more than myself. Right now the simplest thing like a push up is a future goal for me. Rachel will put me on a special bike with a seat on it and she has to push my feet because my brain doesn't know what to do. I long for the day of normalcy and know that it will be a long time to get there. I am soooo blessed with a great huge support system here on earth and in heaven, and a loving God who is pushing me and loving me through it. I will make it, it just frusterated me that 3 hours of rehab and I need a 3 hour nap.
I guess all that being said I am really blessed. I am walking, no one thought that would happen. God has shown me that he wants me to take a different direction in my life. I am finally at a point in my life where I am ready to write that children's book I have been talking about forever. I have so many people praying for me and I truly believe in the power or prayer. I will be able to run again someday. I loved running and I know it will be something I can share with my family. I have a church family who has supported and loved me through the good and bad. I have a derby family, an oak manor family, and an Aa family. That is lots of families. I have had lots of time to spend with God, that in and of itself is a huge gift. It is a process, it is a journey, a journey that I would not have chosen, but for some reason God has chosen to put me on so I will hold his hand and walk it with him!!!
If I were to give one piece of advice besides prayer on how to dance in the rain is...laugh!!! You have got to laugh. After derby on Saturday we went to dinner at this little bar, I asked Sheri (a derby sister from Williston) to get me a kiddie cocktail. After stressing no alcohol, she said keep your money. I told her how great to buy for the cripple. Without missing a beat she says that's how I roll. About 5 minutes later blue was telling us how rude the lady with the menus was, I said I would punch her I wasn't scared. Without missing a beat a ref from Canada who I never met smiles at me and says what is she gonna do hit a cripple :). If we were to be gloom and doom all the time I would not get out of bed. A huge thanks to all you who make me laugh....I will keep on trucking on!!!

Roller Derby IS a Sport!!!

   Last night I had the pleasure of watching the Grand Forks Sugarbeaters take on the Bisman Bombshells in the Sugarbeaters' home derby debut.  If you are reading this you have probably read my statuses on facebook bragging about these girls.  I hope this post will give you some insight into why I love the sport of roller derby, and why I adore these women....

MEET YOUR SUGARBEATERS!!!

and their competition

THE BISMAN BOMBSHELLS

     Now this bout last night was the most action packed, hard hitting, fast skating, on the edge of your seat bout I have ever watched.  I know you might think I am biased, but I have watched derby on DNN and although team USA are fabulous as a fan being there invested in the game, takes it up like a hundred notch.I had seen some of the Bombshells skate last year and of course have been with the sugarbeaters since they were practicing in the park.  Wow what a difference a year can make.  I of course have seen some skaters from both teams in between but to see them to play as teams against eachother and I couldn't believe the strides these teams have made.

     Ok Ok, so what makes these girls athletes?  Let me tell you.  First of all these women do this after real life.  They are mother's wives, teachers, surgical techs, Ralphie's favorite day care provider :), the list goes on.  They don't get to focus their whole life on this.  Yet, they find time to practice at least 3 times a week, do training on their own, make appearances, fund raise, and scrimmage on weekends.  Their training is vigorous, with endurance training that is enough to make you puke.  They do on skate work outs, they scrimmage, they run, and they do plios all after a full days work.  They get hit and hit hard.  Do they complain?  oh hell no.  they take pictures and post them on facebook :)  they break their teeth sweep the broken tooth off the floor and start again.  Each girls must pass a series of tests to even be allowed to participate in a bout.  one of those is skating 25 laps in 5 minutes.  It is an exclusive club.   Plus you don't get to take it at the beginning of practice you do it after you have already skated for 2 hours.  I must brag, since we all know humility is not my best attribute, before I got hurt and Bettie paced me we got 25 in 4:27 :).  So they must play a 60 minute game, with 2 minute jams.  Sometimes the jammer is full speed the whole time.  Don't tell me you can do that and not be an athlete.

    I am not going to try and pretend to be able to explain the game in a blog.  So you know they are athletes and athletes play a sport right.  So here are the quirky things I love about derby.  Even though you could see these girls intense competitive nature in between whistles or in the penalty box they are laughing it up with each other, then knocking each other out.  In fact at the very end of the game, one of the girls yelled "I am so tired".  oh I laughed so very hard.    I would guess that 9 out of 10 trips to the box the derby girls doesn't even know why she is going.  (the rules are very complex).  Derby girls give back.  Let me tell you they gave over $2000 to the cystic fibrous foundation in honor of a little girl that lives in Grand Forks.  They made her an honorary sugar beater helmet, jersey and all.  She took a victory lap as the crowd cheered from their feet. But, what touched me the most was that the bisman bombshells also brought her a huge card, and a huge teddy bear...why cause that is what a derby girl does. These girls are tough.  They are strong.  They are fast.  They are kind.  They are generous.  They are funny.  They are my derby sisters and I love them.

       I loved playing derby.  It was exhlirating, empowering, really just all encompassing.  I have skated my whole life.  When I saw on facebook they were starting a league in Grand Forks I was so stoked.  I loved every single moment of it.  My friends thought I was crazy, but what else is new.  I wasn't a fan of the fishnets, but I got to play roller derby so I could work around that if I had to (luckily I never did :).  We worked hard and we had fun.  I remember getting in trouble for kicking the back of people's skates so they would fall.  We became a family.  I loved my skating days.

Bettie and me at our first public apperance

I was serious, first bout

pretty sure this was my last jam

    So many people ask if I had it to do all over again would I do it the same.  The answer is a surprising yes.   It has been a rough year and a half, that is for sure with a tough road ahead, but a doable road.  There is a reason I am on this road and only God knows that reason I am just along for the ride.  Because of derby I have become part of a community that is amazing.  To my AA friends it is a lot like AA, but  they are not alcoholics, welllllll no  I kid I kid.  They are a group of women who come from all walks of life but  have a common bond.  They love to skate.  When I got hurt not a single one of these women walked away from me.  They treat me like I am still part of the team.  I may not see them often, but they encourage me, and lift my spirits. I also know that these girls got my back!  I have met derby girls from all over North Dakota, and they are all great.  I even met a Canadian couple who showed me a different side of Canadians.  I am honored to call them my derby sisters.  

derby love~jumpin jules flash

I have a dream

     In honor of MLK day I thought I would write my own I have a dream speech.  This is also a disclaimer that all of my dreams are not of the serious nature, with that being said I mean no disrespect to the late Dr. King!

    I have a dream that we as a nation and we individually as a people will start taking personal responsibility for our actions.  I believe to truly grow and change we must stop blaming others and realize our part in the wrongs of our nation.  There comes a time in a nations history when we stop blaming the prior president (no matter how much at fault they are), we must stop blaming the other political party as we both parties have their faults, we must stop blaming the rich and in turn we must stop blaming poor, and while doing this we inevitably take responsibility for our actions and figure out how we can fix this peacefully TOGETHER.  Personally, when do we start saying I was wrong and I am sorry.  Instead we are so quick to blame the other person, our past, alcohol, drugs, our environment, our financial situation, the fact that the person in front of us was driving too slow, the list could go on forever.  Don't get me wrong, these things are serious and definitely can change our lives, but they can also change our lives for the better if we allow them.  If you have been on the receiving end you know how powerful a simple I am sorry and then a change of behavior can be.
     I have a dream that one day we will have a sioux hockey team again that can complete their passes, doesn't pass the puck right in front of their own goal with an opposing skater in the middle, a team that can actually run plays, that plays a whole 60 minutes, and that wins a national championship.
     I have visions of a world where people ask questions.  Instead of staring at someone that looks different, they ask them about their disability.  Instead of shoving opinions down each others throats we ask the question why they have that opinion.  If you read something in your bible and don't get it, ask.  We ask others about their lives, their days, their joys and their sadness.  That we are a nation that asks for help.
     I have a dream that Sophia and Lauren will grow up in a world void of war.  A world that only knows peace and harmony.  A world that is full of love and not hate.  A community where they are loved so much that they have nothing to do but love back.  A world where there is no fear.  A world that they feel safe to live in.  A world that is as beautiful as God created it.
     I hope that with all the technological advances, someday a doctor will decide that soda, candy and chips is a much better diet than water, fruits, and veggies.
     I have a dream that one day Christians will stop just reading and preaching the gospel, but also walking it.  I MUST SAY I DO KNOW A LOT OF CHRISTIANS WHO DO WALK THE GOSPEL.  That we as Christians will see that Jesus hung out with the most scandalous people of the bible.  That He did not condone their behavior nor did He judge them, condemn them on earth, or not speak to them.  He showed them the gospel through His love.  What a better way to expose someone to the love of Christ than to Love them as Christ would.  We as Christians are not the judge, jury and executioner.  We are simply God's people trying to carry his message.
     I have a dream that one day we will truly judge people by what is on the inside not the outside.  This is much more than just a color of your skin situation.   In our society today it is a color of your hair, tattoos on your bodies, piercings, clothes on your bodies, what kind of car you are driving, how much you weigh etc.  We are so much more than that.  We are humans with a heart and with a soul.  Every time we make fun of someone who is different from us, that person may act strong but on the inside it scratches their heart just a bit.  We need to remember that our words and actions do hurt people.
     Finally, I dream of a day that non pet people will realize that yes we really do see our pets as our children. We truly love them as much as you love your kids.  I know that is hard for you to believe, but it is the truth.  They hold all of our secrets.  They love us unconditionally.  They are always excited to see you (well maybe not charlie).  They Protect us even if they are only ten pounds.  I tell Lucy the plan for the day and she listens. They are the loves of my life.  So in my dream people will not dismiss them as just pets or animals...
  So this is probably the most controversial post I have written.  If it does not apply to you then just move along.  I am guilty of all of the above things, except the pet thing of course.  These are things I dream of happening, I don't live in la la land and think they are all possible.  But I will try to do what I can to make them possible.  In all honesty I sometimes think of God and how he must mourn at what this world has become, and that makes me sad.   Again just my thoughts and i am more than willing to hear yours....

Confessions of a dvr

A lot of people would ask their best friends to burn their diaries, erase their history on their computers, or get rid of some embarrassing or private material upon their death. Not me. ERASE MY DVR!!! With that said as a blogger I am oing to expose you to the list of shows on my dvr right now...hold on you may be surprised by some :)
2 broke girls
All-American Muslim
Chef Roble & co.
Desperate housewives
Fear factor
Girls: daughter left behind
Grey's anatomy
Hgtv dream home 2012
Happy endings
Hoarders
It's a brad brad world
Jig
Law&order
Modern family
Modern marvels
Once upon a time
Oe born every minute
Oprah's next chapter
Parking war's
Private practice
Project runway all stars
Property brothers
Real housewives of Beverly hills and Atlanta
Revenge
Suburgatory
Texas multi mamas
The bride was 7
The middle
The people's court
The view
Watch what happens:live
Wizards of waverly place

So there you have it...I feel much freer now that I put that out there...

Now onto more important issues. My new year's Practices to mark 2012 a happy one are going pretty well. I have been using my iPad and iPhone more and they do the auto capatalize so they are sorta enabling me. So if you have been paying attention do not give me the credit I don't deserve it. My morning meditations have gotten better. I still am not reading all of the books I was reading before I pick a select few and focus on them. It is amazing to me how God seeMs to always know what it is that I need to hear. The walking is getting better and my little Lucy is the best walking partner. Today our walk (with the walker) was 18 minutes. Pretty proud of that. Finally, history I am all into it. I have been watching documentaries like crazy and I have come to the conclusion that that JFK was not assassinated the way the government said he was. I have not figured it out yet but when I do I will let you know. If it were this day and age I would blame it on the animals of shady oaks. I know this is a pretty random post but that is me.

2012

     I must say that 2011 was kind of a sucky year.  It seemed as though whatever could go wrong did go wrong.  I could go on and on about all the crappy stuft, but I am not going to.  I just want to tell you that this year we lost my stepdad.  He was a great man of faith and family and he is missed every day!!!

This picture was taken 2 weeks before he died.  I will cherish that time with him always~~~

    A couple months later we lost the patriarch of our family.  Grandpa Doherty.  This picture is also taken the last time I saw him.  He was a wonderful man and he is greatly missed.

     My church family also lost their dad/husband this year.  He also was a man of great faith and a man who adored his family.  Over my years here the Trontvet's have become family to me.  I watch them grieve but also stay so true to their faith and each other.

Thanks for all the extra smiles Randy!!!

     So this is how I transition...These three wonderful men are up in heaven with God.  And they aren't sick anymore.  Sometimes that doesn't matter as they are missed so much, but knowing where they are takes away the sting a bit.  It may seem that they did not fulfill what they should have, marraiges missed, Grandchildren not growing up with their grandpas, and just so much time and memories to make still. Wha I need to remember is that God's promise was fulfilled and they are in a better place.  I often just sit back and think of what joy they must be experiencing in heaven.  They are my inspiration for a better 2012.

     I am not one to make resolutions because I am so not a rule follower that knowing there is a rule makes me just want to do the opposite.  So this year I thought that I would share with you the things that I hope to make 2012 a happy year...

I would like to blog more.

I plan to write that children's book that I have been talking about "I miss my grandpa lee"

I hope to run the turkey trot with my family at thanksgiving.

DONE!!!!!!

I would like to journal more again.

I would like to do a better job of being consistent with my meditation books.

I want to follow the will of God even when it hurts.

I will cherish those who are in my life.

I want to learn more about history.  Yes CEC finally and you don't even have to pay me.

I would like to complete more random acts of kindness.

I would like to be happy with where I am and strive to be better.

I want to be the best mommy, aunt, sister and sister in law, daughter and friend that I can be.

I dream of reading the bible cover to cover.

I am gonna try harder to capitalize.

     I hope I continue to grow.  I continue to be fun to be with, loving and caring.  I will still be goofy.  I will probably still be wearing hats and pjs and I am okay with that.  I hope my faith light shows.  I hope people see me as a woman of faith.  I want to continue loving my kids like they are little humans.  Of course I haven't told you all, but i think you get the drift...I AM HOPEFUL FOR THE YEAR 2012!!!

   My mom made me write this.  This year I plan on being nicer to other dogs (although I don't know why I have to).  I will love my brothers ;).  I hope to be the best cuddler of the year.

UHH what is a new years resolution

My new years resolution is to find a new home!

HAPPY 2012 EVERYONE!!!

Simple decision!!!

Tonight I am going with a few friends from the old folks home to cheer on my derby friends at their game. I am reminded again how complicated my life can become. I have to make a conscious decision to do anything. It must be how many parents feel when making plans with their kids. First I must decide if the massive headache that is sure to follow is worth it (roller derby heck yeah). Do I have anything going on the next day as I will probably end up in the er getting morphine. Ok, now I have decided to go. How am I going to get there? I own an insured car yet I am unable to drive until they are able to put the hand pedals in. I find a ride yay! Now, make sure I cath before I go which adds an extra cath for the day which screws things up and extra cranberry juice. Get dressed, it takes a good ten minutes and a lot of energy. Less time and energy for pjs :). Hair, teeth and shoes and out I go to enjoy my time.
I know that this is a pretty whiny post and I apologize for that. I simply sometimes would like to go back to the times when "wanna go to hockey tonight?" was a question that was answered quickly, and getting to the Ralph was just as quick.
Although I get frustrated at times I truly am grateful I have the ability to choose. I know many people (too many in fact) who are not afforded that same opportunity. I am grateful for all who have supported me. I am grateful for all who pray for me. I am grateful for all who laugh with me and to be honest, at me. I am grateful for a God who by His grace has saved me. So even though I have my whiny moments I am still thankful for the hand I have been dealt!!! Now off to watch some derby:)